Marriage, Matrimony and Malayali Men
#8 No brides for men in Kerala?
A recent independent study by a Malayali right-leaning evangelist gained attention in Kerala. I am not linking the exact report by the author here as it is not factually accurate or scientifically backed. However, I did think it was important to talk about it here as it gained media attention and was widely discussed by the people of Kerala. As per the study, there is a shortage of Malayali brides available for Malayali grooms in Kerala. The author claims to have used data from Matrimony platforms for this study and he also mentions speaking to industry veterans from Kerala. The arguments put forth by the author in his study gained a lot of public support. So I thought it would be interesting to examine some of the arguments put forth by the author in the report.
The author has taken data from various matrimonial sites across religions and has shown that the proportion of male profiles on these sites is extremely large as compared to female profiles. Further, the author also claims to have collected data by speaking to subject matter experts in the industry of online matrimonial sites. The overall report concludes that the women of Kerala are increasingly moving away from marriage. They are either not interested, don’t view it as necessary or are reluctant to commit to a marriage. Before we dive deep into these ideas, let us look at some important data related to Kerala like the sex ratio at birth, overall population (gender and age wise), and immigration data to establish basic facts.
The overall sex ratio of the population is 1,121 females per 1,000 males as per National Family Health Survey 2019-21. This means that there are more females being born than males.
As per the population census of 2011, we can see that the percentage of females is higher in all three age groups from 20 to 34. The latest exact figures for migration of male and female populations and their age groups are not currently available. But the available data makes it clear that it is definitely not a population issue. Thus the research is incorrect with respect to the data available. However, let us look at the other issues that the author has highlighted.
As per the report, women are reluctant and afraid to marry due to three reasons -
Gamophobia - reluctance to perform the responsibilities and duties of family life
Tocophobia - lack of interest in pregnancy
Pedophobia - reluctance to raise children
While calling them phobias would require extensive scientific evidence, I think looking at the major themes the author is hinting towards would be useful.
When we look at the conventional gender roles in a household, women have always been expected to stay at home, do the unpaid labour in the house and look after the children. As per the Periodic Labour Force Survey - [January – March 2023], Labour Force Participation Rate (LFPR) is 22.7% for females. LFPR is defined as the percentage of persons aged 15 and above in labour force (i.e. working or seeking or available for work) in the population. For context, this was 20.4% for females in January – March 2022 report. We can see that there is an increase in the number of women who are now part of the workforce. Definitely, this data will be more skewed towards the formal sector and a lot may go unreported but the number is considerable. Even when these women go out to work, they are still expected to do a major chunk of the unpaid labour at home and remain the primary caregiver.
Fathers do not take equal part in household chores and childcare. At work, women are affected by the wage gap. I have written about these issues in detail in the first issue of Womanifesto. They also face motherhood penalty, lack of support from family, hostile workplaces and a lot more which I will talk about in my subsequent issues. Thus women are served the short end of the stick and any change in their approach towards marriage is not surprising. Women are finally able to gain formal education and become financially independent. They no longer want to be exploited on both fronts - at work and at home. This change in thought process is important for a cultural and social shift in people’s mindsets.
When we look at pregnancy, all the data that is available clearly points to the issue of ‘motherhood penalty’. The term motherhood penalty is coined by sociologists who argue that in the workplace, working mothers encounter disadvantages in pay, perceived competence, and benefits relative to childless women. I will elaborate more on this in my upcoming issues of this newsletter. However, we can clearly see that women are discriminated against during the hiring process, during promotions and receive a lower pay if they have children or become pregnant. They are also not given enough paid time off during pregnancy and initial years of the child. They do not receive support from workplaces in terms of flexibility timings and location, thus leaving many women with limited choices at the workplace.
It is ironic that while we place a lot of emphasis on women and their primary caregiving role, they are simultaneously being punished for the same if they decide to do that. When women weigh the pros and cons, many are reluctant to make sacrifices detrimental to their health and career and are opting for a childfree life. Since men do not face these specific issues and most are even ignorant, they do not think in this direction and thus there is a mismatch in their plans for the future. This plays a part in men not being able to find like minded partners.
While we did look at the arguments presented by the author, it is wrong to generalize based on only matrimonial site data as not everyone in the marriageable age will be making use of matrimonial sites. Further, there will be both love and arranged marriages taking place without the use of matrimonial sites. The fact that the author has drawn these conclusions making use of this data points towards their bias and the report cannot be taken as accurate. It automatically assumes that people can only marry within their own country, religion, community and caste. The world currently has enough population to allow those who want to enter into a marriage find partners as per their interests and preferences. With both men and women migrating from Kerala to other countries and states in India, inter state, religion and country marriages will be common and we need to move away from our narrow worldview to encourage and empower both men and women to make informed choices when it comes to their partners.
It also deserves mention that it is completely normal for both men and women to not get married and to remain childfree as is the case in many other countries of the world. This need not raise any alarms. Our current population is enough to sustain the human race and it is important that people have the autonomy to make choices without coercion or manipulation. The concept of marriage, partnership, etc will evolve with time as it has over many years. Currently, women are leading the change towards an egalitarian marriage and society. Men also need to hold up their end of the bargain as marriages between equals and like minded partners benefit everyone. It ensures a healthy social environment for the future generations. It is also essential for equitable economic development of the country. I hope that the concepts of marriage and partnerships both in terms of their legal purview and the societal understanding evolve to encompass a broader view.
Sruthy Pisharady ❤️
References
http://rchiips.org/nfhs/NFHS-5Report_KL.shtml
https://www.populationu.com/in/kerala-population
https://censusindia.gov.in/nada/index.php/catalog/1541
https://pib.gov.in/PressReleaseIframePage.aspx?PRID=1928124
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Great read. I was able to strongly resonate with this, as a Malayali woman and having been in the matrimonial pool myself. You've hit the right spots, especially in calling for a cultural and social shift in people’s mindsets. I have learnt the same after going through the process as a Malayali bride.
It is a brilliantly written article but is definitely biased as in most articles and this one, always men have been painted to be in a bad light. Society has progressed a lot nowadays as our previous generation has mostly been living in nuclear families either in Kerala or moving to other states or overseas. So definitely a change of thinking is there than what was there 50 years ago. Not all families and men are patriarchal as it was in the past, but yes previous generation does have some outdated views, which is there with any family anywhere in India, but the current generation needs to find a way to balance that out rather than totally avoiding it.
Even men do have their fair share of struggles, just if a man is jobless for even a day or earning less, all of a sudden he is deemed irresponsible and lazy by society.
Also in many lower middle class families, the women are not being married even if they want to, as they are actually the earning members in the family, marrying them off would stop that income flow.
Now the women who are in matrimonial sites, are having a lot of options as compared to men and hence insist on 10/10 profiles like good looking, UK/US based and strong financial background. It is now less about understanding the person and settling with a suitable life partner. It is just endless video calls with no hope for men. Most of the woman's parents are getting more arrogant day by day and they talk so rudely to the men's parents as they have a lot choices and think it will be like this forever. Some are just there on matrimonial sites for years. It is so frustrating that many men don't want to marry Kerala women settled in Kerala now. Comparatively, Kerala women and their parents who are settled outside Kerala atleast talk with respect when approached with a proposal, even if marriage is finalized or not.
On top of that, most women are being overeducated, not because of career aspirations or job prospects, but to find a suitable partner. Like they are getting degrees after degrees but they are not working, after MTech, why would one pursue CA. Men are always pressurized to earn even before they complete their degree.
As per your article, it is mentioned like marriages are not needed because the population is enough now. That won't be the case in future, look at Japan, there are more old people than young because of such decisions. Many successful women in the West who are in their 50's and 60's are now regretting their single lives.
When we are young, healthy and earning well, it does feel like it is better to live single, but after a while loneliness sets in and since relationship dynamics changes in future with family and friends, it may be more hard to find a companion.
If not marriage, a human definitely needs companionship, not all can stay single their whole lives.
Marriages or Relationships require some amount of compromise from both sides as no one is perfect and each can have their own biased views which needs to be corrected, which current generation is not ready which causes more problems.
Kerala men are being demeaned so much nowadays that I guess in future articles will be like "Why Kerala men don't want to marry Kerala women?"